7 Ways You Could Be Holding Your Daughter Back

("Look, Mama!  I'm holding Piper back. Watch me oppress her!")

I really liked this article by Alden Wicker, called "7 Ways You Could Be Holding Your Daughtet Back".   It stresses the importance of treating your daughter like an individual rather than just as a 'girly girl'.  I think we naturally do this with sons, but often have certain 'girl expectations' we have for daughters. 

(Does it really have to be this or this?  Surely by this day and age, we can raise daughters that are happily somewhere in between.)

I really want my girls growing up to be well-rounded people with a strong sense of self.  And, while I would like them to like some girly-girl things so we can share them together, I need to make more room for other things. 

I am consciously trying to include more things I wouldn't normally do to give them a wider range of experiences. Like, taking Violet to learn about dinosaurs rather than to buy hair bows.  Finding animals toys rather than Barbies.  Talking about Amelia Earhart rather than Brittney Spears.  Buying a green shovel and bucket rather than a pink one. Those may be small things, but I hope they're going to add up to a more secure child later on.

For example, although I like dresses on Violet, I try to always give her a choice of outfits that include more 'tom boy' outfits, like jeans or shorts.  And then---I try to not seem disappointed if she pics the dinosaur t-shirt over the ruffled sundress.  (She almost always picks the sundress, but hey--I need to suck it up and start letting her make choices, even if they're not always MY choice.)

Wow.  That's a lot of pink.  Don't get me wrong--I like pink.  However, I also like to see my daughter play with a toy chainsaw and dress up like a knight.  I want them to know it's okay to be anything---whether that's a mermaid or a ninja or a police officer.

(These dolls are just WRETCHED.)

For some reason, Barbie really rubs me the wrong way, as do those hideous Bratz dolls.  I try to keep normally proportioned dolls around the house.  Dolls like these are a good way to get your kid on the fast track to an eating disorder.

Violet adores My Little Pony, which is fine with me.  I think they're a nice compromise between over-the-top-girly and rough-and-tumble.  It's one of the few shows that doesn't make me gag, too.  I like how the ponies all have different personalities and strengths and weaknesses that are based on concrete things (like strength, intelligence, and creativity).  Each episode focuses on something that relates to a child's real life, like learning to share, work as a team, or have more confidence.  The ponies are their own heroes and take responsibility for their own actions.  I like that.

(from Ghibili)

It's hard to raise daughters in the Disney Princess someone-help-me-I'm-just-a-stupid-pretty-girl society.  I feel like I have to combat that mentality every day. 

However, I'm a total hypocrite.  I like the Disney movies!  I know they are often presenting terrible role models, but they're fun.  And, like most Americans, they're tied up with my memories of childhood.  I have conflicting feelings that involve nostalgia and repulsion.

(Wow-sorry whoever you are.  I just found your photo on the internet.)

Then, you hate sounding like the downer feminazi mom.  And, good grief---it's not like I don't wear heels and makeup and have a pretty traditional life as a stay-at-home-mom.  I treasure so many things about being feminine and being a woman.  At the same time, I'm more than that. It's like in our rush to embrace anti-Disney, we often swing too far the other way and don't embrace our true femininity.  It's a complex issue to discuss with adults, more less try to convery all that confusing information to a 3 1/2 year old. 

Anyhoo---I'll get off my soapbox about that.  Do any of you mothers with daughters struggle with these issues, too?

Comments

[stacy]

Well as we all know, I don't have a daughter BUT had a son that was OBSESSED with Barbies. I wanted him not to see them as something sexual (ahem) so I bought him a Rosie O'Donnell doll. He threw it across the room. Sorry Rosie!!!

Thank God BRATZ weren't around at that time...he would've lost his mind.

[Vanessa {A Fanciful Twist}]

Oh Stacy, hahahahahaaaaa!

Stacy is a hoooot!

I would climb monkey bars and hang upside down in ruffled dresses when I was little :)

I don't know anything about this.

But i do think that letting your kids make choices for themselves is wonderful, because a lot of who they are is already in them. And, parents try so hard to change things. (my parents finally accepted - after we grew up- that, you can try to mold your kids, but they are who they are, so you just have to guide them as best as you can - although my parents were strict - in some ways major. in some ways not so much)

Some parents want their child to be who they envisioned their little child would be - and are often disappointed if the kids don't meet their ideal - and then the kids get all messed up.

Do you love my poor lingo/wording? Sorry :)

But, I agree, choices rock.

Looooove, V

ps: I do lots of things in heels and pearls... and I mow the lawn in a ruffled nightgown and beat up tennis shoes. Good balance me thinks :)

Your girls are going to be wonderful!! Cos they have you as their mama.

[Charlotte]

That pic of the beleagured Piper is a keeper. I applaud your resolve to respect the choices the girls make at a young age (later you'll have a battle over even the simpliest things...remember those days with your Mom?). Of course your role as parent requires saying NO plenty, but it is a better path to say YES at every opportunity. Thanks for this little view into Casa Armadillo.

[Jill James]

Oh Yes Laura......2 daughters outnumber 1 Mom! Enjoy your calm, napping, non-fit throwing days now! HA.....

Love the Princess photo ~ Disney's ideas of trophy wives.....

My daughter & I used to watch The Kardashians, and honestly, I couldn't believe what I was watching. I know Kim can't help the way she looks, but she doesn't have to speak in little girl nasal talk.

Once you have 2 children, you can see how little influence you really have. They are born with personality and constitution pretty much intact. I grew up with an artist mom & military father and it was schizo at times. My mom let us be totally free and my father was gone at war a lot, so hey! it worked. I agree with Charlotte (my mom's name ~.....) Say yes whenever possible. And expose them to lots of different activities which knowing how you & your husband are into everything ~ that part will be easy.

Just to give you an idea about my daughter.....when she was 5 she was holding a carrot like a cigarette sitting on the counter and said, "How old do I have to be before I can get a motorcycle?" She ended up being in ballet for 11 years where I let them do all the disciplining!

GOOD LUCK Laura........

[Laura Irrgang]

Ahhh!!!! I love the carrot cigarette and motorcyle inquiry.
The problem is, in our house, Adam might actually GIVE her a motorcycle.
And I will swipe that ciga-carrot right out of her hand.
No smoking in our house! Not even fake smoking!

[black chinos]

Oh I absolutely LOVE this! Gorgeous!!